Opinion: Funeral directors are being blamed for family disputes they didn’t create
At a recent funeral directors conference my firm sponsored, I learned that complaints against funeral directors are rising across New Zealand.
But after helping more than 500 families through probate and estate administration, I can say that most of these complaints are not about embalming, flowers or hearses. They are about grief, family conflict and a widespread misunderstanding of the law.
Funeral directors are increasingly being pulled into family disputes that have often been simmering for years.
The complaints follow familiar patterns.
Someone says they were left out of the funeral arrangements. Another says they weren’t told when the service was. A sibling demands the ashes not be released. Another insists they should be handed over immediately.
In practice, these disputes often unfold quickly. One sibling calls the funeral home insisting the ashes must not be released. Another demands they be handed over immediately. A third insists they should have been consulted about the service. The funeral director is suddenly expected to referee a family dispute they had no part in creating.
In reality, they are usually doing exactly what the law requires: taking instructions from the person legally authorised to act.
And that is where much of the misunderstanding begins.
Many New Zealanders do not realise who actually has the legal right to organise a funeral.
When someone dies with a valid will, the executor named in that will has the legal authority to make funeral arrangements. That authority does not sit with the eldest child, the most upset relative, or the person who lives closest. It sits with the executor.
Even if other family members disagree, the executor is the person legally responsible for administering the estate, and that responsibility includes the funeral.
Funeral wishes written in a will are also often misunderstood. They are not strictly binding. They provide guidance, but the executor ultimately has discretion to act reasonably.
When someone dies without a will, things become more complicated. Authority generally falls to the closest next of kin under New Zealand’s intestacy rules - typically a spouse or partner first, then children, then parents and siblings.
Where serious disputes arise, the High Court may need to appoint an administrator to take control of the estate.
But the key point is this: not everyone who feels entitled to be involved actually has legal decision-making authority. Funeral directors are not judges of family hierarchy, and they cannot resolve decades of family tension.
Modern families are complex. Blended families, estranged adult children, long-term de facto relationships and overseas relatives are now common.
When someone dies, unresolved tensions can surface quickly. Grief magnifies everything. What might once have been a strained Christmas lunch can suddenly become a legal argument over funeral arrangements or ashes.
In those moments, the funeral home often becomes the visible target, even though they are simply following lawful instructions.
Many of these conflicts could be avoided with clearer estate planning and a better public understanding of how the law works.
Making a valid will, choosing executors carefully and communicating intentions while you are alive can prevent significant distress later.
Another common misconception is that the lawyer who holds the original will must also administer the estate. That is not the case. Families are free to choose any lawyer they wish to help with probate or estate administration.
Funerals should be about honouring someone’s life, not arguing about legal authority.
When responsibilities are clear and estates are managed properly, families experience less conflict and funeral directors can focus on what they are there to do - supporting people through one of the most difficult moments of their lives.
- Hayley Boud
Hayley Boud is a Hamilton-based estate lawyer and founder of Caring Estates, a specialist probate and estate administration firm that has assisted more than 500 families across New Zealand.