Grieving

Dealing with the death of someone close
Supporting grieving children and teenagers
Remembering your baby
Further grief support and information

Dealing with the death of someone close

Grief is part of life for everyone

When someone close to you dies, your life can be changed in many ways. The time of bereavement following a death is a time to adjust to these changes. If the person had been sick for some time, you may have begun to grieve before the death. 

Everyone grieves differently

Grief is our natural response to loss. It’s like our fingerprints: everyone is unique in the way they experience and express their grief, and each loss is different, just like the different fingers of your hands.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Men and women often show their grief in different ways, and sometimes find it hard to understand or support each other. People of different ages and cultures have different ways of grieving as well. 

How does grief feel?

Grief is more than just sadness. You may find yourself feeling any of a range of emotions. You may be:

• shocked or numb
• angry
• relieved
• depressed or lonely
• resentful
• guilty
• confused and forgetful
• overwhelmed
• frightened and panicky

Most people feel grief in their bodies as well, especially in the first weeks. You may feel exhausted, cold, tense and shaky. You may find it hard to sleep, or feel sick and have trouble eating. These things are normal, but if you are worried talk to your doctor. 

How long does it take?

Grief is more than a series of stages to go through. As time goes by, you find ways to live with your loss rather than getting over it. If the loss of a loved one is a big loss for you, you might find it hard for a long time, but it won’t always feel as bad as it does in the first weeks and months after the death. It’s normal to feel affected by your loss from time to time for the rest of your life, when you are reminded by a song or an anniversary, or when you experience another loss in your life. Most people find there are good days and bad days at first, but gradually the loss gets easier to manage. Try to be patient with yourself and others. 

Supporting grieving children and teenagers

Everyone in a family is affected when someone dies. Dealing with the death of someone close is hard at any age. Children and teenagers grieve for the loss too, though they often express it differently.

It’s hard to watch a child struggle with the pain of loss, especially when you are grieving yourself. We often just long to make it better for them. But while we can’t fix grief, or protect children from it, there are things you can do to make a difference; things that help them feel supported and understood, and that help them to develop the skills they need to cope with what’s happened.

Being involved

Encourage children to be involved in the arrangements for the funeral, and in the service itself, even if just in a small way. Children and teenagers can feel very isolated when someone dies. Being involved helps make them feel they are sharing their grief with others in the family, and that they have a contribution to make. When they understand what is happening, children are able to cope with a funeral and take comfort from it, just as adults do. 

Talking about the loss

Death is something many adults find hard to talk about, especially to children, but children need us to explain what is going on. They can easily get things wrong, and be frightened about things they don’t understand. Tell them what has happened and what is planned, in words that are clear, simple and truthful.

Don’t be afraid to use words like “died” or “dead” because terms like “gone to Heaven” and “gone to sleep” are confusing and often frightening for them. Be prepared to repeat yourself often – younger children especially often need to hear the story again and again. 

​Spending time with the person who has died 

Spending time with someone who has died is as important and useful for children as it is for adults. In many cultures children commonly play around the open casket when someone dies, and feel much more comfortable about death as a result.

Younger children are usually very accepting and curious about a person who has died. Seeing them helps them understand death better; to realise that death is final, and that someone who has died doesn’t feel things as living people do. read more

How to prepare children to be around someone who has died

Children and teenagers are often more uncomfortable with being with a person who has died if the adults around them are uneasy with it. If it’s new for you to see someone when they have died, it’s often best you do so first, and then take your children when you feel ready.

It’s very important that they are well prepared, know what they will see, and what is expected of them. You can explain that being dead means a person’s body doesn’t work anymore, so the blood isn’t circulating and their body won’t feel warm as a living person’s body does. Give them time to get used to things, and don’t force them to do things like kissing the person if they don’t feel comfortable to do so.

Children often like to draw a picture or write a letter or poem to put into the casket when they spend time with someone who has died, and this can often help them understand. 

Explaining burial and cremation

It can be hard to answer children’s questions about difficult things. Even many adults still feel uncomfortable about burial and cremation. The important thing for children to understand is that a body that has died doesn’t work and doesn’t feel things that happen to it, so the person who has died will not be hurt or frightened when they are buried or cremated.

Encourage them to ask you questions about things that puzzle or worry them. Try to answer their questions as directly as you can, and if you don’t know the answers, ask your funeral director to help you explain things. 

Children may behave differently

Children are affected by a death in the family even if they are too young to understand or weren’t close to the person who died. They may not show their grief by talking about it but will often show it in their behaviour. They may be demanding, irritable, or clingy, withdrawn or quiet. They will often go back to younger ways of behaving for a while. 

What about teenagers

A time of loss can be especially difficult for a teenager who likes to be independent and grown up, but also longs to be protected and comforted as a younger child might be. The death of someone close often means they think more deeply about the meaning of life and death. 

Being involved in planning for the funeral helps them. Encourage them to make their own contribution – suggesting music or reading something meaningful for them. 

How else can you help?

Children and teenagers learn how to deal with loss by watching the adults around them. Try to talk about how you are feeling and the ways you cope with loss.

Encourage children to play; being active and acting out feelings are important ways for them to come to terms with what has happened.

Remembering the person who has died is important too. Making a photo album together and sharing memories is really helpful for children. Don’t forget to give them something special that they can keep: a photograph or small piece of clothing perhaps. 

Care for yourself as well

A time of intense grief is difficult for everyone, and it takes time to learn to live with a loss. Loving support and reassurance are important in helping children. Feeling stronger yourself is one of the best ways you can support the children and teenagers you care for. Try to work out the things that help for you, and spend time with the people who support you. 

Remembering your baby

The death of a baby before or soon after its birth is a particularly difficult loss. Whether you are the mother or father of the baby, or a grandparent, brother or sister, you are the only person who fully understands what the loss means to you and how you feel.

Grief is our natural reaction to loss in our lives and everyone experiences it differently. Right now, and in the weeks and months to come, you may feel very sad and empty, with a great longing for your baby. You may feel relief, particularly if the pregnancy was unplanned or difficult. You may find yourself feeling angry, guilty, frightened or bewildered. Feelings like these are very painful but they are normal.

As time goes by, though you will not forget your baby, the pain of your loss will get easier. Coping with your loss and accepting it doesn’t mean getting over it and feeling okay about it. It means you are finding ways to live with it. While there will always be things that will remind you of the loss of your baby, there will also be many happy times to come. 

Acknowledging your baby's life

For many people, one of the hardest parts of grieving for a baby is the lack of acknowledgement from others of their loss. Somehow it seems hard for others to imagine that the loss of someone so tiny can cast such a big shadow.

You, however, may have known about your baby for some time. If you are the mother, you may have felt him or her growing and moving inside your body. You may have begun to think of yourself as a mother, father, sister, brother or grandparent of this baby, and imagined and planned for a future with him or her as part of your family. The loss of your baby is also the loss of your hopes and dreams about him or her. Your baby’s life may have been very brief, but it is still very important to you and is part of the story of your own life.

As parents, choosing a name for your baby, no matter how short his or her life was, is an important way of remembering. 

Choosing a service

For many parents, a ceremony that acknowledges the life and death of their baby is a way of marking the importance of that life. You can choose to have a service regardless of how old your baby was at birth, or how he or she died.

You may choose to have a small, informal ceremony at home, on the marae, or somewhere that is special to you. You may prefer the chapel at the funeral home or hospital, or a funeral in a church. However you choose to do it, a ceremony gives you an opportunity to acknowledge your baby and share your grief with others. 

Legal requirements

If your baby was born when you were 20 weeks pregnant or more, or weighed at least 400 grams, or if he or she took a breath after the birth, you are legally required to have him or her cremated or buried in a cemetery. In some cemeteries, you can choose to have your baby buried in a place set aside for children. It may be possible to have your baby buried in a plot that allows space for another burial later. If your baby is cremated you can keep the ashes at home, scatter them somewhere special, or put them in the place set aside for children’s ashes at the cemetery. Ask your Funeral Director what the options are.

Babies born before you were 20 weeks pregnant can also be cremated or buried. If your baby was this old, you can choose to bury it wherever you wish. Some families choose a place at home under a tree, or under a large potted plant which can be taken with you if you move. 

Spending time with your baby

It is usually possible to have your baby with you for some time before he or she is buried or cremated. Small babies who have just been born are not normally embalmed, and if your baby is very tiny you can simply wrap him or her in a blanket. Parents often find this time with their baby very comforting because it gives them an opportunity to hold and care for their little one and to say goodbye.

If you have older children, encourage them to see the baby. Talk to them beforehand about what to expect, and offer them the chance to cuddle their brother or sister if they would like to. 

How can you help yourself and each other?

People experience and cope with loss differently. Many mothers find it helps to talk a lot about their baby and their feelings, to cry to let their feelings out.

For men it is often different – they may find it helps to keep busy. They may find it harder to talk about their feelings. Men also often find that other people ask how their partner is coping without seeming to realise they are grieving, too. Men may feel helpless when they see their partner distressed and they can’t fix it.

The important thing is to respect and support each other’s way of dealing with this loss. Ask each other what would help most: time alone; a cuddle; talking about your feelings or some distraction from them like a movie, or a drive. You may also need to ask others to support you. 

For mothers especially, it’s important to take time with this to recover both physically and emotionally. People grieve at their own pace, and you may find you are ready to move on to the next part of your life way before your partner is. Grieving is exhausting – take care of yourselves, and don’t expect too much of yourself for a while. 

Help with funeral expenses

WINZ has a means-tested Funeral Grant that may help to cover funeral expenses if your baby:

• has died after you have been pregnant for 20 weeks or more
• weighs 400grams or more at birth, and
• takes a breath at the time of birth

Ask your Funeral Director for information about how to apply for this grant. 

Further information and support

The funeral and the days before it are an important early step in coming to terms with the death of someone close. Your funeral director will help you, and afterwards is there to support you to deal with your loss, or help you to find support in your community. They may have a free bereavement support service, or they can suggest someone you can talk to if you are finding things hard. They can also suggest or lend you books or videos to help you cope with grief. and they may know of any support groups in your community. 

There are many organisations that offer help and support for grief and trauma ranging from resources, counselling and support groups.