Choosing a funeral director - the questions that protect you

Choosing a funeral director - the questions that protect you

The phone call came at 3am. Sarah’s father had suddenly died, she was living alone at the time and her biggest issue became the fear of making a wrong decision. “I didn’t even know where to start,” she told me months later. “I just picked the first funeral home I found online because I was desperate for someone to help.”

The company she chose quoted her a price that seemed excessive, but when Sarah questioned it, they explained that it was the standard cost for funerals. Additionally, she wasn’t provided with a written estimate detailing all costs, nor given time to consider her options.

Because she was overwhelmed by everything she had to do, despite her misgivings, she went ahead. She only discovered later that without a written estimate, she hadn’t had the opportunity to make a fully informed decision or compare what was included.

The simple test you can do is to check that they’re a member of the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand.

Building protection into practice

Working in the funeral profession has taught me that good intentions aren’t enough. Compassion and integrity do obviously matter enormously, but concrete safeguards are essential, especially at a time when people are at their most vulnerable. That’s why the standards we follow through the Funeral Directors Association exist—to ensure every family receives measurable, accountable care.

In death, like in life, you expect those caring for your loved ones to operate at the highest ethical level and standards.

These are the two main principles that guide everything we do with our families:

1. Putting people first means giving the family time to make informed decisions without pressure, not engaging in any conduct that is likely to deceive, mislead or harm the family, providing written estimates and contracts, and acting with the good taste and dignity that grief demands.
   
   
2. Respecting the deceased requires understanding cultural values and bereavement needs, showing utmost respect for the tūpāpaku (deceased’s body) throughout. For example, transport of the tūpāpaku must be discreet and dignified, members must have access to a qualified embalmer when preparing the deceased, and Health (Burial) Regulations must be followed.

Making standards meaningful

Standards only work when they’re monitored and enforced. The Association invests in a National Office team that inspects member performance, ensures compliance with legislation and best practice, and liaises with government stakeholders. This oversight means families can trust that the standards promised do exist in practice.

The Funeral Directors Association is also New Zealand’s only specialist funeral industry complaints service. When things go wrong—and Sarah’s situation is an example of that—sometimes they do, families dealing with member firms have clear recourse. The complaints process follows robust procedures with external review of findings, and there’s no cost to families using this service. This protection doesn’t exist with unregulated providers.

Ask yourself. What does your loved one deserve?

I worked with a family recently who felt their father’s service hadn’t reflected the arrangements they’d discussed. Because the funeral home was an Association member, the family could lodge a formal complaint that was independently reviewed. The process gave them answers, led to improvements in how the funeral home communicated, and restored their confidence that their concerns mattered. Without professional oversight, they would have had nowhere to turn.

What families should ask

Like Sarah, many people assume that every funeral business in New Zealand is covered by regulations, but there are instances, where this isn’t the case. Whilst many non-member firms do operate with care and integrity, good intentions alone don’t provide the concrete protections families need. Professional association membership creates accountability through required standards, regular monitoring, and formal complaint processes.

The simple test when choosing a funeral provider is to verify they’re members of the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand. Look for their standards displayed on their premises. Ask about their complaints process. Ensure they provide written estimates and give you time to consider decisions without pressure.

You are not being difficult by asking these questions, you have a right to ask them.

As Sarah admitted when she finally contacted me months after her father’s death, “I wish I’d known to ask these questions,” she said. “I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t think to check whether they were accountable to anyone.”

That conversation stays with me because it shouldn’t take a difficult experience to teach these lessons. The trust you place in funeral professionals during a very difficult time should be protected.

That’s what these standards provide, binding requirements that protect families at their most vulnerable.

Sam - representing the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand (FDANZ).