What to wear to a funeral in New Zealand
As someone who has attended many funerals over the years, both personally and professionally, I've seen how choosing what to wear can become an unexpected source of stress. Let's talk about funeral attire in a way that acknowledges both traditional expectations and modern perspectives.
Understanding respect across generations
The meaning of 'showing respect' through clothing has evolved significantly over time. For many of our older generation, wearing formal attire – particularly a dark suit or formal dress – represents the ultimate show of respect. This view comes from a time when people kept their 'Sunday best' specifically for church and important occasions.
However, younger generations often view authenticity as the highest form of respect. They might feel that wearing clothes they'd never normally choose, like a suit, could seem artificial or insincere. As one young person told me recently, "I wanted to farewell my granddad as the person he knew and loved, not pretend to be someone else."
Both perspectives are valid, and neither is more 'correct' than the other.
The story behind black
The tradition of wearing black to funerals has interesting historical roots. Queen Victoria popularised it during her 40-year mourning period for Prince Albert in the 1800s. Before this, mourning clothes were common, but they weren't necessarily black. The colour became associated with grief and loss in Western culture, particularly in Britain – a tradition that naturally influenced New Zealand through our colonial history.
However, black isn't universal. Many Pacific Island cultures wear white to funerals, while some Asian cultures wear white or yellow. In some Māori tangihanga, black might be worn, but it's not expected, and the focus is more on ensuring shoulders and knees are covered as a sign of respect.
Modern approaches to funeral attire
Today's funerals vary widely in their formality and style. Here are some general guidelines that work for most situations:
Traditional Funeral Service:
- Conservative clothing in darker colours
- Clean, neat appearance
- Covered shoulders
- Knee-length or longer skirts/dresses
- Closed-toe shoes
- Simple jewellery
- Tidy hair
Celebration of Life:
- Might be more relaxed, potentially including:
- Brighter colours or specific colours requested by the family
- Smart casual clothing
- More personalised styling
- The deceased person's favourite colour
- Team jerseys or uniforms if they were significant to the person
For funeral organisers: setting clear expectations
One of the kindest things funeral organisers can do is provide clear guidance about attire in the funeral announcement or invitation. I've seen how this simple addition can relieve anxiety for attendees. Consider including a brief note such as:
"We welcome formal or smart casual attire. Black is not required." or "Please wear bright colours to celebrate [name]'s vibrant life." or "Traditional formal funeral attire would be appreciated."
Cultural considerations and special ceremonies
Over the years, I've had the privilege of attending many different cultural ceremonies and learned how important it is to understand and respect their unique traditions. For instance, when attending a tangihanga, it's customary to remove shoes before entering the wharenui. Women often wear a dark skirt or dress that covers the knees, while men typically wear long trousers and a long-sleeved shirt.
I've noticed that formal attire is often expected for Pacific Island funerals, but the colours might differ from Western traditions. Some families might request that everyone wear white or specific colours representing their loved one's village or family.
Different religious services may have specific requirements that should be respected. Some places of worship require head coverings, while certain religions prefer modest dress with covered shoulders and knees. Some traditions have specific colours or items of clothing for mourners, and religious jewellery might need to be considered. If you're unsure about religious requirements, don't hesitate to ask the family or funeral director for guidance.
What not to wear
I'm often asked about what to avoid wearing to a funeral. Unless specifically requested by the family, it's best to avoid very bright or flashy patterns and activewear. Even if fashionable, ripped or distressed clothing isn't appropriate. Revealing outfits should be avoided, as should noisy jewellery or accessories. It's also thoughtful to avoid wearing strong perfumes or aftershaves, as some people may be sensitive to strong scents. Casual footwear like jandals or worn sneakers are generally not appropriate.
Children's attire
Parents often ask me about dressing children for funerals. While children are generally not expected to dress as formally as adults, they should still look tidy and respectful. Comfort is key—an uncomfortable child can be disruptive during the service. Dark or subdued colours are appropriate but don't feel pressured to buy new clothes if clean, neat everyday wear is suitable.
Supporting roles
If you're asked to be a pallbearer or participate in the service, you might want to consider practical aspects of your outfit. Comfortable shoes are essential, as is a well-fitted jacket that allows movement. Consider clothing with pockets for essentials like tissues or reading glasses if you're doing a reading. Layers are helpful as you may be moving between indoor and outdoor spaces.
Remember what really matters
Remember, while these guidelines are helpful, the most important thing is paying your respects in a way that feels genuine to you while being mindful of the family's wishes. If you're unsure, it's perfectly acceptable to ask the family or funeral director about appropriate attire.
From my experience, most families are more concerned with your presence than your appearance. They appreciate that you've taken the time to farewell their loved one, regardless of whether you're wearing a designer suit or your smartest pair of jeans.
If you're still unsure, err on the side of conservative and tidy. As one grieving mother told me, "I don't remember what anyone wore to my son's funeral, I just remember that they came."
Author: Sam – representing the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand.