The impact of social media on the grieving process
Over the years, I've noticed how social media has transformed how we experience and express grief. What was once a private journey shared with close family and friends has become something that can be both deeply personal and surprisingly public.
Finding out about a death through social media has become increasingly common. Sometimes, a Facebook post or Instagram story delivers news that once would have come through a phone call or personal visit. This shift has created new challenges in how we process initial shock and grief. I've seen how this immediate spread of information can be helpful and hurtful. While it allows news to reach distant friends quickly, it can also be devastating to learn about a loved one's passing while scrolling through your feed.
Digital memorial spaces
Social media platforms have become virtual spaces for remembrance. Facebook memorial pages, Instagram tribute posts, and TikTok memorial videos allow people to share memories, photos, and stories about their loved ones. These digital spaces can provide comfort, especially for those who live far away or couldn't attend the funeral. As one person told me, "Seeing all the photos and memories others shared about Mum helped me realise how many lives she touched."
The immediate outpouring of love and support on social media can be overwhelming – in both positive and negative ways. While heart emojis and "thoughts and prayers" comments might seem superficial to some, they can create a tangible record of community support. However, this visibility can also create pressure to acknowledge every message or feel the need to perform grief publicly.
If you're supporting someone who's grieving, social media interactions require thoughtful consideration. Private messages often mean more than public comments. Remember that grief doesn't end after the funeral - reaching out months later can be particularly meaningful when the initial wave of support has subsided.
When it comes to using social media while grieving, there's no single right approach. Some find comfort in sharing their journey openly, while others prefer to process their loss privately. Here are some considerations I've gathered from those who've walked this path:
Managing digital legacies
Many people don't realise that social media accounts need to be managed after someone dies. Each platform has different policies for memorialising or deactivating accounts. It's worth considering what you'd like to happen to your own digital presence and discussing this with loved ones. Some families find comfort in maintaining a loved one's profile as a memorial space, while others prefer to close accounts completely.
Each major social media platform has specific processes for managing accounts after someone passes away.
Facebook: You can request to memorialise an account or have it removed. A memorialised account has "Remembering" shown before the person's name and can become a space for friends and family to share memories. Visit www.facebook.com/help/1506822589577997
Instagram: Similar to Facebook, accounts can be memorialised or removed. A memorialised Instagram account stays visible but can't be changed. Find out more at help.instagram.com/231764660354188
LinkedIn: The platform offers a process to remove a deceased member's profile. Submit your request at www.linkedin.com/help/linkedin/answer/2842
TikTok: You can request to delete a deceased person's account by contacting TikTok Support through their feedback form at www.tiktok.com/legal/report/feedback
Generational and cultural differences
Different age groups tend to use social media for grieving in distinct ways. Younger people might create elaborate tribute videos or share an ongoing dialogue with their loss. At the same time, older generations might prefer more reserved acknowledgements or avoid social media expressions of grief entirely. Both approaches are valid and deserve respect.
Various cultures have different traditions around death and grieving, and these differences extend to social media practices. For instance, in Māori culture, photos of the deceased (particularly their face) are considered tapu, and sharing them on social media without whānau permission could cause distress. It's essential to be mindful of these cultural protocols when posting memories or tributes online.
In many Asian cultures, discussion of death is more reserved, and public displays of grief might be seen as inappropriate. I've noticed how these communities often use social media more subtly, perhaps sharing symbolic images like flowers or candles rather than direct references to their loss.
On the other hand, Pacific Island communities often embrace more open expressions of grief. They might use social media platforms to coordinate funeral arrangements, share prayer meetings, or organise family support. These posts frequently include beautiful tributes that celebrate family connections and cultural traditions.
Some Muslim families might prefer not to share images of their deceased loved one at all. In contrast, others may request that social media posts about the death focus on prayers and religious remembrance rather than personal photographs or memories.
Understanding and respecting these cultural differences is crucial when engaging with grief content online. If you're unsure about what's appropriate, it's always better to ask the family directly or take cues from how they're using social media themselves.
Finding balance
It's okay to step back from social media when grief feels overwhelming. You might choose to:
- Temporarily deactivate accounts
- Mute certain keywords or accounts
- Limit time spent online
- Use private groups for grief support instead of public posts
The key is finding a balance that works for you. Social media can be a powerful tool for connection and remembrance, but it shouldn't dictate how you grieve. As one wise person shared, "I post when it feels right, stay quiet when it doesn't, and never feel guilty either way."
Remember that social media is just one tool in our grieving journey. While it can provide valuable connection and support, it's equally important to maintain in-person relationships and seek face-to-face support when needed. Grief is a deeply personal experience, and how you express it online - or whether you choose to express it at all - is entirely your decision.
Sam - representing the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand (FDANZ).