Symbolic rituals in funeral services – creating meaning in farewell
When Thomas collapsed with a sudden heart attack at 58, his wife Helen felt completely lost. "I kept expecting him to walk through the door," she told me. "My head knew he was gone, but my heart hadn't caught up." It wasn't until the funeral service that she realised he really was no longer there. "Seeing the coffin, knowing he was unreachable—that's when I understood he wasn't coming home."
My experience helping families honour their departed loved ones through funeral services has shown me that this is why funeral rituals exist–to help our hearts catch up with what our minds already know.
Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about life's most important events. We have rituals for the birth of a baby, a coming of age, weddings and, finally, funerals, which serve a fundamental purpose—they provide the framework for processing loss.
Gather, remember, celebrate
Funerals provide three essential opportunities that grieving people desperately need: the chance to gather with others who understand loss, to remember the person who died in meaningful ways, and to celebrate the unique life that has ended.
When Robert's father died, they held a simple gathering at the local RSA where he'd volunteered for decades. Robert hadn’t expected anybody to stand up and speak, but his old army mates shared stories Robert had never heard about his father's wartime service. The RSA ladies revealed how he'd quietly helped struggling families with food parcels. Neighbours described his daily walks where he'd check on elderly residents. As people laughed and cried together, Robert realised he was learning who his father really was beyond just "Dad."
The funeral rituals help us acknowledge the reality of death, give testimony to the life of the deceased, encourage the expression of grief in a way consistent with cultural values, provide support to mourners, and offer continuity and hope for the living. I’ve noticed that without these opportunities, grief can become abstract and unprocessed, leaving people emotionally stranded for months or years.
The power of music in ritual
During Janet's mother's funeral, the family had been holding back their emotions throughout the formal service. Then someone started playing ‘Here Comes the Sun’—the Beatles song her mum had hummed and danced to every morning whilst making breakfast. Janet's teenage son immediately cried, remembering weekend mornings when Grandma would dance around the kitchen. Her uncle began quietly singing along, and by the time the song ended, everybody was sobbing—because of the shared memory of a woman who'd found joy in a simple song.
Music serves unique functions in funeral ceremonies that spoken words cannot achieve. Hymns, songs, and instrumental pieces bypass rational thought to connect directly with emotion, often expressing what families cannot articulate. When people sing together during grief, they create a shared emotional experience that binds them to each other and to the memory of the deceased.
Why the body should be present
The presence of the deceased's body helps families accept death's finality in ways that abstract discussion cannot achieve. Seeing their loved one provides a focal point for grief and offers crucial opportunities for final connection—touching them one last time, speaking final words, or simply sitting in their presence. These moments help process the transition from a relationship with a living person to a relationship with memory. For example, Māori tangihanga keeps the body present throughout three days specifically because this presence facilitates gradual acceptance whilst allowing continued connection with the deceased.
The irreplaceable role of eulogies
Eulogies serve multiple purposes beyond simply sharing memories. They provide public testimony that this life mattered, offering concrete examples of the deceased's impact on others. When people hear stories about their loved one's kindness, humour, achievements, or quirks, they gain perspective on the significance of what they've lost, while discovering aspects of their loved one's life they may not have known.
Eulogies also model appropriate grief expression, showing mourners that it's acceptable to cry, laugh, or feel confused during loss. When the speaker becomes emotional whilst sharing memories, they give permission for others to express their own feelings honestly.
Sacred cultural frameworks
Māori tangihanga demonstrates how ritual serves both spiritual and practical needs. The hongi (greeting) with visitors creates a continuous community connection, whilst Karakia (prayers) provide spiritual framework for processing death. The three-day structure allows gradual acceptance of loss whilst ensuring no one grieves alone. Stories shared on the marae preserve whakapapa and teach younger generations about their heritage through the lens of loss and love.
Pasifika ceremonies blend ancestral wisdom with contemporary needs. The laying of fine mats represents honour and respect, whilst traditional prayers connect families to generations of ancestors who faced similar loss. These teach cultural values and strengthen community bonds that will support the family long after the ceremony ends.
Muslim funeral practices reflect the urgency of spiritual transition. Ritual washing (Ghusl) performed by family members provides intimate final care, whilst burial within 24 hours acknowledges beliefs about the soul's immediate journey. The funeral prayer (Salat al-Janazah) performed by the entire community demonstrates that death affects everyone, not just immediate family.
Contemporary rituals with ancient wisdom
When Rachel's father died—a man who'd dedicated his life to native bird conservation—her family arranged for the Department of Conservation to release rehabilitated tui during the graveside service. The symbolism of birds returning to freedom whilst he was laid to rest provided a moment that helped transform the reality of burial into a celebration of his life's work. Most importantly, it gave everyone present a shared experience of hope and renewal during profound loss.
The most powerful rituals often combine ancient wisdom with personal relevance. They understand that effective ceremony must acknowledge reality, express emotion, provide community support, and create meaning. Whether achieved through centuries-old traditions or contemporary innovations matters less than the authentic connection created for those saying goodbye.
Tree plantings create living memorials that offer comfort over the years rather than just during the service. When families plant trees in their loved one's memory, they create ongoing ritual opportunities—visiting the tree, watching it grow, caring for it during different seasons.
Finding your meaningful path
From my perspective, understanding the deeper purposes behind ritual helps families choose elements that serve their healing, rather than simply following tradition or pursuing innovation for its own sake. The best funerals combine respect for cultural heritage with an authentic expression of personal loss, creating ceremonies that comfort the living whilst appropriately honouring the dead.
Sam - representing the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand (FDANZ).